Air Date: January 12th, 2002
Host: Josh Hartnett
Musical Guest: P!nk
Special Guest: None
Show Order:
1. Buddy the Dog Memorial Service (Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond)
offers eulogy for deceased dog Buddy Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton.)
2. Josh Hartnett's Monologue (Jimmy Fallon advises Hartnett not
to adopt a new image. New Josh/Old Josh)
3. Wake up, Wakefield (Zack Bodorf's (Hartnett) growth spurt
wakens Megan's (Maya Rudolph) interest. Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon,
Mr. Banglion, Randy Goldman. )
4. The Laura Bengal Covington Story (Lifetime movie about
Covington's (Ana Gasteyer) interest in stepson (Hartnett).)
5. TV Funhouse (X-Presidents and Ambiguously Gay Duo team up to
snare Osama bin Laden.)
6. The Shout-Out Show (Grand Master Freddy (Tracy Morgan) offers
unnecessary shout outs to the community. Josh Hartnett also stars.)
7. Pink performs "Get The Party Started"
8. Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fe (Maya Angelou
(Tracy Morgan) espouses off-topic birthday card greetings. Henley (Horatio Sanz)
& Stiles (Chris Kattan) can't do routine via satellite.)
9. HBO First Look ("Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
features N*Sync, singing parody of "Bye Bye Bye". Josh Hartnett stars.)
10. Captain of Impressions (Airline captain (Hartnett) stalls
passengers by doing impressions. )
11. My Best List For 2001 (Wax and Dracula sponsorships hinder
legitimacy of Jack Handey's list items.)
12. Pink performs "Don't Let Me Get Me"
13. Playboy's Movie Showcase ("Burqua Baddies" features Yeman
face pornography.)
14. Goodnights
Transcripts:
Josh Hartnett's Monologue (Stars: Josh Hartnett, Jimmy Fallon)
Josh Hartnett: Thank you, thanks for coming along you
guys. Thanks, thank you. Thanks a lot yeah, alright... no no no, it's okay, it's
okay. Thanks a lot you guys. Hi, I'm Josh Hartnett. Well, you know what? I know
you guys are probably expecting to see the same old Josh Hartnett stuff tonight,
but... you're in for a big surprise... because I'm not gonna be the Josh
Hartnett that you're used to seeing, alright?
Jimmy Fallon: Josh, Josh, Josh! Can I talk to you for
a second?
Josh Hartnett: Yeah… Jimmy, what are you doing? I'm
kind of in the middle of something…
Jimmy Fallon: What are you doing? What are you doing?
Josh Hartnett: What do you mean? What are you talking
about? I'm being the new Josh Hartnett, you know, I think people are kinda sick
of the old Josh Hartnett.
Jimmy Fallon: No, not, not, not a good idea.
Josh Hartnett: Well, I'm trying to think outside of
the Josh Hartnett box.
Jimmy Fallon: Not cool man! Not cool!
Josh Hartnett: Okay…well, how would you know about
that anyway?
Jimmy Fallon: I did it already…I became the new Jimmy
Fallon.
Josh Hartnett: What are you talking about? When did
you do this?
Jimmy Fallon: This was way back…in 2000…
Josh Hartnett: Oh…
Jimmy Fallon: Things were different back then.
Josh Hartnett: I remember that.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I mean, you gotta remember this
was a long time ago. This was back before they had iPods, you know… This is back
when cell phones… now they're this big… back then they were this big. I tried to
be the new Jimmy Fallon but I was young. I trusted the wrong people… I don't
know, take a look…
(shows a picture of Jimmy with a mustache and shorts)
Josh Hartnett: That's… that's not good man.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah… I, I know…
Josh Hartnett: I mean, that's pretty bad.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, yeah, I know.
Josh Hartnett: I mean… I really can't believe you
still work here…
Jimmy Fallon: Hey, let it go! Alright? Look, my point
is that not everybody is tired of the old Josh Hartnett.
Josh Hartnett: Really?
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, yeah…
Josh Hartnett: Are you… you're not tired of the old
Josh Hartnett?
Jimmy Fallon: I've been working with you all week,
I'm a little tired of the old Josh Hartnett.
Josh Hartnett: Well, did you use to like the old Josh
Hartnett?
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, the new Jimmy Fallon… he really,
really, really liked… almost too much. I mean, do I have to show you the picture
again?… It was too much.
(shows the picture again)
Josh Hartnett: Yeah, well thanks Jimmy, thanks a lot
man.
Jimmy Fallon: You're welcome.
Josh Hartnett: Do you wanna stick around for the rest
of this or…
Jimmy Fallon: No, I gotta go…
Josh Hartnett: Alright man… Jimmy Fallon.
Well, We do have a great show for you guys tonight. The old Josh Hartnett is
here.
Pink is here! Stick around, we'll be right back!
Wake up Wakefield
Megan.....Maya Rudolph
Sheldon.....Rachel Dratch
Mr. Banglian.....Horatio Sanz
Zack Bodorf.....Josh Hartnett
Randy Goldman.....Jimmy Fallon
Megan V/O: From Wakefield Middle
School, it's time for "Wake Up Wakefield". Fun facts and important announcements
for the students of San Jose.
Megan: Well, it's 7:55 and we are coming at you live
from room 312 in the audio/visual department. I'm your host Megan, and this is
my best friend and co host Sheldon.
Sheldon: (nervous) hey.
Megan: As always, we are joined by 'Jazz Times 10'.
(cut to band, only 2 members are there)
Sheldon: 'Jazz Times 10' is missing a lot of their
members because of the
strep
throat epidemic… way to hang together guys.
Megan: Yeah, a lot of students were exposed to strep…
especially anyone who participated in last Thursday's 'spin the bottle' game in
the back of the band bus.
Sheldon: Yeah… I'm glad I wasn't a part of that.
Megan: Alright, well it's the first show of the New
Year. Sheldon, do you have any new year resolutions?
Sheldon: Umm…I wanna translate 'The Hobbit' into
Latin. Like everybody, I wanna get to the
gym more… and, you know, try to conquer my chronic
insomnia.
Megan: Yeah, Sheldon is afraid that if he goes to
sleep, his dad will leave.
Sheldon: I, I told that in confidence…did you make
any resolutions?
Megan: Well, since it's a New Year, I am working on a
totally new me - one that is both self-confident and independent as a woman. And
if that makes Randy Goldman wanna make out with me, he totally could.
(Megan pulls up her legs. On her shoes there are pictures of her and Randy)
- Hey Megan, spelled m-e-g-a-n.
- Wow, you totally got my name right, this must be a dream.
- No it's not, I love you, let's get married.
- Hey, what's happening… (make-out sounds)
(Megan puts her feet down)
(sigh) that was totally intense… and awesome…
Mr. Banglion: Hey gang! (to the band) Hey guys,, how
you doing?
Megan & Sheldon: Hi Mr. Banglion.
Mr. Banglion: Hey everybody, came by to drop a little
science on ya… strep's in the hizaous! So here are a few tips to keep your
throat healthy and tip number 1 - don't share lip smackers, not a good idea..
tip number 2 - don't put your tongue on the water fountain. I know you like it
but it's not a good idea. And number 3 - take your C's, get your Z's, avoid
disease! (waves hands from side toside) That's the anthem so… wash your darn
hands up!! (laughs) Alright, I'm out of here. Byezees!!!
Megan & Sheldon: Bye Mr. Banglion.
Mr. Banglion: I'm walking, there I go!
Megan: Right… okay well, our guest today is here to
talk about inter-mural sports. Please welcome fellow seventh grader, Zack Bodorf.
Zack: (in a shaky changing voice) What's up you guys?
How you guys doing?
Megan: Hey Zack.
Sheldon: Umm… ok umm, Zack, I understand you are the
charter member of the inter-mural club.
Zack: Yeah. I started a Tai Kwan Do club because I'm
real interested in marshal arts and I really like violence.
Megan: Hey Zack, you got tall… I think your pants are
pretty awesome, I mean… I don't care, it's just that I think it's pretty cool
when a guy is not afraid to wear caprises.
Zack: These aren't really capris, you see I had kind
of a.. (cough,
his voice gets deeper) I had kind of a growth spurt over Christmas so…
Megan: Yeah, you used to be pretty shrimpy like
Sheldon.. but now you're all rugged like Ashton Kutcher. That's cool, I don't
even care, it's just that you're probably good at kissing…. Right?
Sheldon: Now, according to worldbook.com, Tai Kwan Do
is a modern marshal art from Korea, characterized by fast, high-spinning kicks.
How about a demonstration?
Zack: Sure Sheldon. Well, first the base is you gotta
warm up before doing it so… warm up. (throws some punches in the air)
Megan: Wow…
Zack: Alright. And now… (to Megan) I'll demonstrate
on you. This one is called 'The Angry Cat'.
Megan: Mmm… what is this incising, spicy scent?
Zack: Oh, that's uhh, men's Spead Stick… I started to
use
deodorant… anyway, this is how you flip a guy. (flips Sheldon
to the floor)
Megan: Oh my god! I think you totally knocked him
out!
Zack: Oh, I'm sorry Sheldon! I didn't mean it!
sometimes I don't even know my own strength anymore!
Sheldon: Is this blood or pen?
Megan: It's, it's pen.
Randy Goldman: Hey, what's up?
Megan: Oh my god! Randy! This is so awkward you
walking in on me and Zack like this… but maybe it's for the best.. ok? So let's
just be adults about this and just lay our cards on the table… I never meant to
hurt you!
Zack: What are you talking about?!?
Randy Goldman: Whatever.. later dude.
Zack: Yeah dude…
Randy Goldman: Later Mandy
Megan: Oh later… my name's Megan… back to you
Sheldon.
Sheldon: Well, that's all the time we have. Signing
off, I am Sheldon.
Megan: And I am the future Mrs. Zack Bodorf!!!
Zack: What?!?
Megan: Oh nothing… 'Jazz Times 10' take us out!
[ fade ]
The Shout-Out Show
Grandmaster Freddy.....Tracy Morgan
Ken Stein.....Chris Kattan
Zola.....Maya Rudolph
Big Perv.....Dean Edwards
Murphy.....Jeff Richards
Dina Dexter.....Pink
Robert Saltzman.....Josh Hartnett
Announcer: Live, from the Albany Projects in
Brooklyn, U.S.A., it's
"The Shout-Out Show"! With your host, Grandmaster
Freddy!
Grandmaster Freddy: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! This is
Grandmaster Freddy! And this is "The Shout-Out Show"! First of all, I gotta give
a Big Dog shout-out to the audience, 'cause y'all doin' big things! [ audience
applauds wildly ] That's right! A'ight! And I'd also like to give a big
shout-out to my station manager, Ken Stein!
Ken Stein: [ humbled ] Thanks, Grandmaster! Shout-ut
to you, too! Ha ha!
Grandmaster Freddy: Let's not forget to give a
special shout-out to our official sponsor - Sobe
Sports Drink! Sobe! Just drink it! And a special shout-out goes to your Airness,
Michael
Jordan! Your wife Juanita about
to take yo ass to the cleaners! So keep your head up, baller! Hey, Juany - give
me a call tomorrow, baby!
Now, we gonna head straight to the phone lines, so all you cats out there can
make sopme shout-outs! So make 'em laugh - do the damn thing! First caller, you
on "The Shout-Out Show"!
Zola: Hey, Freddy! I'd like to give a shout-out to
all my co-workers in housekeeping at the Brooklyn Comfort Inn!
Grandmaster Freddy: Big minimum wage shout-out to
housekeeping over at the BK Comfort Inn! You know you who is!
Zola: I also wanna shout-out to my sister, Avia
Raedell, who's over in the Army Reserve - gotta shout you
out, girl!
Grandmaster Freddy: That shout's going out to G.I.
Jane, who's serving Uncle Sam!
Zola: And I'd like to give a special shout-out to the
makers of
Valtrex, for helping me with my
herpes problem!
Grandmaster Freddy: A'ight! Medicinal shout-out to
Valtrex! We gotta move on! Next caller!
Big Perv: Hey, yo, yo! Freddy! Yo, this is Big Perv
from up North, yo! I'd like to give a crazy shout-out to the three females who's
currently pregnant by me!
Grandmaster Freddy: A'ight! Unwanted pregnancy
shout-out to the knocked-up chicks in your life!
Big Perv: Yo, and I want to shout-out my three kids -
Pervis, Jr., Delronna, and Felsgar! Daddy loves you, be out in 2005 - peace!
Grandmaster Freddy: Dysfunctional shout-out to your
boys! Next caller, you're on "The Shout-Out Show" with Grandmaster!
Murphy: Hey, Grandmaster, hey! I'd like to send a
major shout-out to all the guys in Mergers and Acquisitions at Merryl Lynch,
and, oh..! Also, a shout-out to Pierre Desomaliar in Pinchot Lane.. and another
shout-out to my bud Tucker at the Shag Harbor Yacht Club! [ chuckles ]
Grandmaster Freddy: Big Caucasian shout-out to all
those dudes - all those square ones - from another lame white boy! Just time for
y'all favorite segment - the Shout-Out of the Week!
This week's winner is from Hell's Kitchen, here in
New
York. How 'bout a shout-out for
Dina Dexter!
[ Dina Dexter enters set ]
Dina Dexter: What's up, chickenheads! First of all, I
want to give a shout-out to all the girls I work with outside the 8th Ave.
entrance to the Port Authority Bus Terminal! I love you all! Except for Nisha -
I know you ate my fish
sandwich,
bitch! And when I find you, I'm gonna cut you up! [ exits ]
Grandmaster Freddy: Shout-out to all the street
walkers outside the Port Authority - minus the fish sandwich girl who's gonna
get cut! Now, it's time for my guest. He's an
associate director of the city harvest - check this out,
it's a food rescue program! how 'bout a warm shout-out to Robert Saltzman!
[ Robert Saltzman enters set ]
Grandmaster Freddy: What's up, damn! Oh, man, give me
some love, babe!
Robert Saltzman: What's up?
Grandmaster Freddy: Sit down, have a seat, dog! [
they sit ] All right! Welcome, Robert, to "The Shout-Out Show"!
Robert Saltzman: Word, man! Thank you, thank you!
Grandmaster Freddy: Alright! So, who you gonna
shout-out first?!
Robert Saltzman: Well, you know, as Associate
Director of the City Harvest, I'd like to give a big
shout-out to al the volunteers, who, you know, are leading the battle against
hunger, and against all the, uh.. against hunger, basically.
Grandmaster Freddy: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Big non-profit
shout to the City Harvest!
Robert Saltzman: Yeah. Well, as you know, there are
five million pounds of food thrown away each year by New York restaurants.. and,
at the same time, almost a million people go hungry, and half of them children.
Grandmaster Freddy: Shout-out to
starving children!
Robert Saltzman: Well, uh.. I don't think you
really.. no, I'm sure you don't mean that. Hey, uh.. starving children are
not who you should be giving a shout-out to, right?
Grandmaster Freddy: Nah, nah, it don't work that way,
period! This "The Shout-Out Show", cuz!
Robert Saltzman: Yeah, but.. I'm talking about single
mothers in poverty here.. I'm talking about women who are malnourished to the
point that they stop having regular
menstrual
cycles.
Grandmaster Freddy: Big, big gynecological shout-out
to irregular menstrual cycles! And on that note,
another shout-out to our sponsor! Sobe!
Robert Saltzman: Listen, man, we met one family that
was so desperate for food, they were forced to eat
garbage!
Grandmaster Freddy: Shout-out to
eating garbage!
Robert Saltzman: Why would you give a shout-out to
eating garbage?! Innocent people are starving right
here, in this city!
Grandmaster Freddy: Special shout-out to
dead people! [ laughs ] We are about out of time, any
upcoming projects you wanna tell us about?
Robert Saltzman: Yeah.. I was gonna tell..
Grandmaster Freddy: A'ight!
Robert Saltzman: I was..
Grandmaster Freddy: A'ight!
Robert Saltzman: I was gonna talk about..
Grandmaster Freddy: A'ight!
Robert Saltzman: ..the City Harvest Walk-a-Thon..
Grandmaster Freddy: A'ight!
Robert Saltzman: ..that we planned to draw awareness
to both the feeding of the hungry, and drig abuse!
Grandmaster Freddy: Shout-out to
drug abuse! A'ight! [ Robert storms off the set ]
Shout-out to the cat that just walked off my show!
Dig this here! That's it for this week! I'd like to give a
final shout-out to the New York Jets, who
unfortunately ate it earlier tonight! Like those
homeless people eating garbage! Do the damn thing!
HBO First Look
George Lucas.....Darrell Hammond
Master Windu.....Tracy Morgan
Obi-Won Kanobi.....Seth Meyers
JC Chasez.....Josh Hartnett
Justin Timberlake.....Jimmy Fallon
Chris Kirkpatrick.....Chris Kattan
Joey Fatone.....Horatio Sanz
Lance
Bass.....Jeff Richards
Jar Jar Binx.....Dean Edwards
Announcer: And now, HBO First Look: "Star Wars
Episode II - Attack of the Clones."
2nd Announcer: Today on HBO First Look, notoriously
secretive director, George Lucas, lets us onto the set of the highly anticipated
second installment of his "Star Wars" series.
George Lucas: There's been a lot of rumors about
"Attack of the Clones", especially from "fans", about *Nsync being in the movie.
I got a lot of nasty e-mails on the subject. I guess the pimply-faced nerd who
got a Darth Vader back-pack for his 14th birthday knows better than me, the
creator of "Star Wars". That's just great. But just forget about *Nsync, you
won't even notice them. The important thing is that this movie is moving toward
a totally digital medium. There's no more film. Take a look at this scene, shot
totally on digital video.
(Cut to scene)
Script Guy: Scene 62, take 1.
George Lucas: Action!
Master Windu: Does
Anakin
Skywalker have enough metecloroids to join the Jedi council?
You damn right he don't!!!
Obi-Wan Kinobi: No Master Windu.
Anakin is the only one who can restore power to the force and
save the republic from the evil Count Docu. Right, *Nsync?
J.C.: That's right Obi-Wan Kinobi. And we're here to
save the galaxy and tell kids to stay in school.
Justin: Yeah, and that…
*Nsync: [ singing ] "Ain't no
lie, baby bye bye bye!!"
(Cut back to George)
George: I think another thing the fans worry about is
Jar Jar Binks. I mean - again - "fans". You know, if you don't like it, don't go
see it. Guess what? I'm gonna be fine either way, I've got billions. But don't
worry, we scaled Jar Jar's role way back. In the few scenes he's in, he's an
older, a wiser, more dignified character.
(Cut to Jar Jar)
Jar Jar Binks: Missa go pipi and poopoo and kaka.
Missa stinky, winky, glipy, dorpy…
2nd Announcer: Close watchers of "The Phantom Menace"
may have already seen a few special cameos from other films in the background.
According to the director, viewers of the sequel can expect more of the same.
(Cut to George)
George Lucas: I think people got a huge kick out of
seeing E.T. in the background scene or uhh… the background of the Senate scene
in Episode I. So there's gonna be more surprises, a few more, in "Attack of the
Clones".
(Cut to scene)
Master Windu: I'd like to thank the members of the
Jedi council for assembling at such a short notice. Obi-Wan Kinobi, the guy with
the crazy neck, Alf, Mayor McCheese, Harry Potter, Cartman from "South
Park", Monica Lewinsky, and finally -
Master
Yoda.
Yoda: What's up, homies?
(Cut to George)
George Lucas: It really is a movie for die-hard fans
and I'm really excited about it. I think it's the best "Star Wars" movie yet.
And now, I'm proud to present an entire sequence (chuckle) a sequence from my
new
film - "Attack of the Clones".
(Cut to scene)
Obi-Wan Kinobi: Master Windu, we haven't but one
choice.
Master Windu: I know Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan Kinobi: We have to do it. in order to save
the universe from tyranny and depression, we have to… let *Nsync kick the funk
out lizzidy new school style.
Master Windu: Ladies and Gentlemen… *Nsync!!
*Nsync: [ singing ]
JC: "Oh girl, you I know I love you."
(All Jedis report to space station Alpha Quattro, by order of the force.)
"Oh girl, it ain't over yet,
You've come to drown my heart like you were bobba-fat.
Without you I feel so alone,
Like I was attacked, attacked by clones.
I'm a Jedi knight, in these Jedi days,
I can't forget these Jedi ways, yeah yeah yeah yeah,
These rhymes are fresh, I think you're dope ahh,
Help me Obi-Wan Kinobi, cuz you're my only hope."
2nd Announcer: This was HBO First Look. Stay tuned to
the eighth annual Arli$$ marathon.