40 Days And 40 Nights Script
Ooh.
I woke up in a stupor
Guess it's time to face the pooper
Sometimes I feel like Superman
Sometimes I'm just recuperating
Yeah
My head Is twisting in its cage
My mind feels like a twenty gauge
Hope it's just a passing stage
My heart's not red, it's beige
It's days like this that burn me
Turn me inside out and learn me
Not to tell you anything I think I know
But I think I'll tell you all that I know
Tried to tell you all about it
Thought you might've heard, I doubt it
Every day's a waste I know, and every day's a funeral
Cutting out, I'm feeling lost
Lost my mind, I'm Mr. Frost
Collected all the evidence, I'm off the edge
I'm on the fence
It's days like this that burn me
Turn me inside out and learn me
Hello. Hello
-So--Wait Hey Hey -What?
You're such a rogue. Gimme that.
-No! -Gimme that.
Hey--hey! Hey! Hey!
I want to sink to the bottom of the ocean
-Hey! Hey! -Hey?
With you till I'm gone
At the bottom of the big blue sea
Just you and me
At the bottom of the big blue sea
Hey, baby. Baby!
Turn it off. Ugh! Turn it off!
-Turn it off!
Do you think this is a joke?
When I come home tonight, we're gonna talk about this...
'cause this is not working.
You want to push it even further?
Whatever. This is ridiculous.
Turn me inside out and learn me
Not to tell you anything I think I know
But I think I tell you more than I know
I don't want to be alone, I want to be a stone
I want to sink to the bottom of the ocean
And lie there, lie there with you
Lie there with you till I'm gone
It happened again...
last night.
-Ohh. -Mmm.
It's hard to explain.
It starts out like an earthquake...
And I look over at the girl next to me...
and whoever she is, she's not Nicole.
And all I feel is emptiness.
And that's when it happens.
This great big black hole...
opens up over my head.
Again with the black hole.
-Yeah.
It's nothing but vast emptiness.
-And then what? -I panic.
-Unh!
You gotta help me. You gotta...
light a candle for me or something.
I'm not lighting a candle...
so you can feel better about getting laid.
That's not what this is about.
Look, it's been six months since Nicole dumped you.
And you're running around feeling sorry for yourself...
screwing every woman in sight.
You want me to tell you it's OK, that God forgives you...
but at some point, it's not OK, and he doesn't forgive you!
What kind of advice is that?
If you don't like my advice, go see a real priest.
How will you be a real priest if you can't follow the rules?
Besides, you're...
you're the only priest I know who happens to be my brother.
And you're only a year away from being a real priest anyway.
Two years. Look, what you need to do...
is deal with your emotions and stop screwing around.
What I don't need is a lecture from you, dick.
You're the dick
No. That sounds great. That sounds incredible.
Uh-huh. We'll probably have to bump a few things...
from our schedule, but we can make it happen for tonight.
Yeah. Matt and I will definitely be there tonight.
We're putting our bells on right now.
OK. All right. Bye-bye.
-I can't go. -What are you talking about?
I just don't feel like it right now.
You don't fe--Look!
I know you're still trying to work out your Nicole issues...
with the big black hole, but trust me, trust me--
I don't have any Nicole issues.
Hi. I'm one of the many pictures of Nicole...
that infest Ryan and Matt's apartment after six months.
And she's hot, Matt. I don't mind looking at her.
I'm just saying you have issues.
These are not issues.
Do you still think about her when you jerk off?
Anyway, I've got something that's gonna make it all better.
Those two girls we met in Tahoe...
in town for one night and one night only.
Don't say no yet. No, don't say no. No, no, no.
"I want to come. They're hot. I want pussy."
Oh, yeah!
-Hi. -Hi.
How are you doing?
-Good. -Good.
-You? -Excellent.
Good.
Mmm. Waiter?
This isn't Absolut Vodka. I ordered Absolut.
-Yes, it is. -Are you calling me a liar?
I'll bring you another one.
Sorry. I hope I didn't come off as mean.
No, no, no. You know what you want.
That's a good thing, right?
Yeah. Yeah. Yes, I do.
I know exactly what I want.
Mmm.
Unh!
Oh!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
-What's wrong? -Nothing.
-I'll be right back, OK? -OK.
-Get it together.
Hey. Throw me a magnum for my magnum, big boy?
-Yeah. -Thank you.
Hey, have you ever noticed the crack on my ceiling?
Dude, you're action-packed with issues.
I can't do this anymore. I can't do it.
What, does Johnny not want to come out and play?
No. Johnny--Johnny's fine, OK?
It's-- I'm all fucked up.
All right, here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna strap a helmet on Big John...
put him in the game and he will play his little heart out.
OK? He'll put up big numbers for you.
You're gonna forget about the cracks in the ceiling...
forget about Nicole.
Go out and give your star player the support he needs.
-Right? -Right.
Helmet.
Oh, God! Yes! Ohh!
Oh! Oh!
Oh, come with me. Come with me. Are you ready?
-Almost. -Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, yes! Oh!
-What are you looking at? -Nothing. Nothing.
-I'm--Unh. -Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh, yeah!
Are you with me? I'm close. I'm close.
Unh! Oh! Oh, God!
-Ready? -Now?
Now! Ohh!
Ohh.
Ohhhh!
Ohhhh!
Unh.
Oh-ho!
Ohh.
Ahh.
What the fuck was that?
W-what?
-Did you come? -Yeah.
No, you didn't. You faked it.
No, no, no. Guys don't fake it. I don't even think that we can.
-You faked it. -Hey.
Hey. Hey.
Let go!
-Show me. -Show you what?
You know. The stuff.
This is ridiculous.
What are you hiding?
Nothing. Just give me second, OK?
-Ow!
-Just a sec.
Here we go. Use anything.
-What's going on? -I need something.
Anything that looks like semen. OK?
Something that looks like semen?
What is going on out there?
Fuck!
Eww. You are such a bad liar.
-Hey, Duncan.
-Thanks a lot, man. -What's up, Matt?
-What's up, man? -Chris.
Heard you tried to leave one in the chamber last night.
-Where'd you hear that? -internet.
It's all on the internet nowadays, you know.
This is an internet company.
And Ryan has a big mouth, huh?
-Morning, ladies. -Hmm.
So, you in on the basketball pool or what?
What's the line on that game anyway?
I'll talk to the bagel guy when he gets here.
What does the bagel guy have to do with this?
The bagel guy knows everything. The dude's incredible.
Then how come can't he get here on time with the bagels?
-Appreciate it. -Is that what I think it is?
-Don't worry. -Can I see it?
Hey. Dude, it's just been one of those days, you know?
Yes, I do.
I got held up at this import- export place in Chinatown.
Some party.
-Golden Spear? -That's the one.
Their mimosas they make there are strong.
Go straight to your head. Blbbh.
I used to know someone who worked there.
You know Tatiana?
Yeah, I know Tatiana. She's nice.
No, she's not nice. She's hot.
I'd hit that. And how about Merj?
Yeah, I know Merj.
And what about that really hot chick that got engaged?
That was funny.
What really hot chick got engaged?
The expediter chick. You know, real slinky.
-What's her name? -Nicole?
Nicole. That's it.
Man, she knows the guy, like, two weeks.
She goes to France, she comes back, she's engaged.
Now, she is spontaneous combustion hot.
-I would definitely hit that.
How do you know it's Nicole-- N-Nicole that got engaged?
Dude, that's what the banner said at the party.
"Congratulations Nicole."
Whew. I can't believe it...
because that girl, you can't even look right at her.
She's so hot you need one of those eclipse-watching things...
just to look directly at her, she's so radiantly hot!
It makes me want to just throw her down, you know...
and just- You know what I mean?
Yeah.
I'm glad we can connect on that.
Later, pimp.
-Later. -Rrr!
Hey, Matt--
Matt?
You--you all right?
-Unh! -Oh! Oh!
-Oh, God. I am so sorry. -it’s OK. it’s OK.
-Are you OK? -Yeah, I'm fine.
Is there anything I can do to make it better?
Um...
anything?
Again? Another girl already?
-It’s not even the weekend. -I know, I know.
She met someone. Nicole's getting married.
I'm sorry.
I mean, what can I do?
-Tell me what I can do. -I don't know what to tell you.
This isn't really a problem I know much about.
Listen, isn't part of the priestly thing...
giving relationship advice?
Relationship advice, yes.
Sex advice, no.
Part of the priestly thing, and stop calling it that...
is not to have sex, remember?
It’s funny. I didn't say a thing about sex.
-Sure you did. -No, I didn't.
I guess thinking about sex is part of the priestly thing.
At least for some.
-Get out. -Fine.
-Good morning, Matt. -Morning, father.
What's with the purple banners?
Lent. Starts today.
Going to be a long forty days this year.
I'm giving up my one vice--
those precious little Madeleine cookies...
dipped in a starbucks mocha.
It's so hard giving up what you love the most.
I've got it! Jesus Christ, John, I've got an answer!
And the question is?
-Nicole. -Again?
No sex for Lent-- for forty days.
If I can do that, then everything will be OK.
That isn't what Lent is.
Lent is about sacrifice and growth through self-denial.
Lent is to remember--
How Christ felt during the fast in the desert.
I grew up in the same house as you, moron.
But when it comes down to it, that's exactly what this is.
This is growth, this is self-denial...
and this is sacrifice.
Dude!
It's not that simple, Matt. Trust me.
It is that...
You're right.
You're totally right.
Sex alone is not enough.
It has to be sex and all things sex-like.
You'll never be able to do that.
Just listen, here's the plan.
One--no sex.
Two-- no sexual intimacy of any kind.
No nibbling, no biting, no scratching.
No sucking, no fondling. None of that.
And three...
no masturbation.
You won't last a week.
Oh, you're wrong, brother.
I'm gonna go the distance.
Mmm
Then I was grown to be a man
Grown to be a man
And the devil would call my name
Grown to be a man
I said, "Who do"
"Who do you think you're foolin'?"
Grown to be a man
I can snatch a little purity
My mama loved me
She loved me
She got down on her knees and hugged me
And she loved me like a rock
Whoa, yeah
Rocked me like the rock of ages and loved me
She loved me, loved me, loved me
Loved me like a rock
My mama loves me
Loves me like a rock
Your brother looks happy.
He's just taken a vow of celibacy.
Oh.
Oh, dear.
Live, baby, live
Now that the day is over
I got a new sensation
In perfect moments
So impossible to refuse
Sleep, baby, sleep
Now that the night is over
And the sun comes like a God
Into our room
Whoo. Dude.
All perfect light and prom--
Dude.
What the fuck is that?
This is a Karmann Ghia coupe.
When I'm finished with that, I'm gonna do...
the Caterham super seven cycle-fender special.
We're going out tonight. There's this club--
Remember that Australian chick--Jennifer Moss?
She's got friends visiting from Sydney.
Can't. I have laundry.
Do you know why they call it down under, Matt?
I still can't.
Do you realize how much time we waste thinking about girls?
You want some alone time in the apartment for jerking off.
That's cool. I can do that. That's cool.
I'll tell 'em you said hi.
Ohh.
Do you have change for two dollars?
Excuse me. I forgot something to read.
Do you mind if I borrow this?
Thanks.
A lovers' rendezvous.
You--you underline words that you don't know...
and then look them up later?
Right? And you underlined "tryst"...
which is a meeting of lovers.
I do that, too, so...
Matt?
It was on the cover of the magazine.
Can I borrow a sheet of fabric softener?
Thanks.
It's been really fun almost chatting with you.
Same time next week?
OK. Bye.
You are way ahead of schedule.
If I were you, I'd give me something else to do quick.
What about the Willow and Smart account?
Think you can handle that?
I know window treatments aren't the sexiest--
Oh, no, no. Doesn't bother me at all.
Good. You'll be designing the entire webpage.
OK.
Hey, Ryan. What's happening?
Turn off the lights
Do you know how many hours I spent...
looking for my Temple of Poon tape?
One. That's a long time to be looking for porn, Matt.
What the fuck is going on here?
One--you can't do it.
You can't. This isn't a personal attack towards you.
No man can do it. It goes against nature.
The male was biologically designed to spread his seed.
You're gonna piss off the seeds, man!
You're gonna-- It goes against science!
You want to be the guy who goes against science?
And two?
Two--are you out of your fucking mind?
You're the guy who can't finish a sandwich!
You think you can go forty days?
Four--You-- This isn't normal!
-She got engaged, Ryan.
Nicole got engaged.
Well...
I knew that. I knew that. I--I didn't tell you...
just because I thought you'd get pissed off.
I'm sorry. I should have told you.
I had to hear it from the bagel guy!
-Does that guy know everything? -You should have told me!
I know that. I completely should have told you.
I'm sorry. Just explain this to me, though, all right?
Nicole gets engaged, you decide to take a vow of abstinence.
Haven't you gotten to the point where you need to take a break?
Yes! Look, Matt, I swear off girls once a week.
Then, before you know it, it's morning.
That's part of the game.
Did your brother put you up to this or something?
You know what? He's about as supportive as you are.
What do you care anyway? This doesn't affect you in any way.
You...
This affects everyone.
Right now, the pot is at two hundred.
It's a minimum bet of $ a day, which goes into the pot.
If your day's the day, you win the pot, less expenses...
and a bottle of champagne.
If more than one person bets on the winning day...
they split the pot according to the percentage...
of the day's total bets that have been placed.
I go forty days without sex all the time.
But, dude, you spank it.
-No jerkin' off? -True.
Yeah. That's why my money's on today.
There are two things to bet on--
one-- will it be with some girl?
Two--will it be some lonely night down the stretch? Pbbt.
How will we know that, exactly?
Well, I can't tell you everything...
but I can tell you that there is somebody on the inside.
Yep. Like Ryan.
OK, so Matt doesn't know anything?
No, no, no, no.
That is very important--key.
This is great. I mean, this is crazy great.
Everything is so much simpler when there's no sex involved.
I think this is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
You're starting to feel it, aren't you?
What?
The abstinence--it's starting to get under your skin.
No. Not at all. I'm fine.
You know what I gave up for Lent?
Meat. Why don't you try something like that?
Trust me. Celibacy takes years...
of commitment, character, and discipline...
which, quite frankly, are not your best traits.
You think you're the only one with a little willpower?
A little willpower?
If you can do this, I can do this.
You have no idea.
What is so hard about forty days?
They're guys.
To them, forty minutes is like an eternity.
They're like animals.
Their entire lives revolve around their penises.
How many days do you think he'll last?
Days? Mm-mmm, girl. Watch this.
Uh-oh.
You are so bad.
-Hi. -Hi.
Did you, um, do these layouts?
I helped on them, kind of.
These are amazing.
Thanks.
You're like this totally amazing layout guy.
Something's happening. Behind me.
-OK, come here. -Oh, no.
Hey, I have a big layout problem.
You do?
Can you keep a secret?
Yeah.
Oh, goodness.
I have this tattoo of a butterfly...
on the inside of my thigh.
Yes, you do.
And I want to get something on the other side...
but, um, I don't know what to get.
Any ideas?
I don't know.
I was thinking about...
like a cute little pussycat or something.
Do you like pussy...cats, Matt?
Yeah.
'Cause if you're not doing anything later...
you should come over and help me pick one out.
I can't. I mean, we can't...
because pussycats are mean to butterflies.
They don't like them. They dislike them very much...
and hit them with their paws...
and it hurts the little butterfly.
-Right. -Yeah.
Well, OK, if you change your mind...
Did she just Xerox her ass?
-What? -Get off me!
Give me a call, OK?
This is a photocopy of Candy's ass?
Yep.
You're gonna call her, right?
Obviously, you're gonna call her.
No. I'm not gonna call her.
Ha ha! As soon as you don't want it, they can smell it.
She photocopied her ass. She photocopied her own ass.
You're doing a lot of laundry lately.
Didn't you just do it last week?
Just keeping it clean.
Who is she?
Look, I'm not gonna sit in my room...
and build models for the next forty days.
-Oh, you like her! -It's--it's not that.